Sunday August 24th. The Empire presents To The Manor Born at The Empire, Middlebrough. 10-3am. These lot have been responsible for some majestic parties in stately homes around the north east over the years. Tonight they get busy under a proper disco roof with US legends Todd Terry and Disciple. Girls, get ready to throw some shapes and wiggle those behinds’.

Friday August 22nd. Evolve 2nd Birthday at Digital, Newcastle upon Tyne. 10-4am. Brilliant venue this. I should know, I did all the wiring for it. This one’s for the mentalists, Armin Van Burren and Marcus Schulz will be headlining what will surely be a roadblock.

Friday August 22nd. The Gallery at The Ministry of Sound, London. 10.30-7am. There was talk a few months of Oaky doing some big shit for the Acid House Anniversary in Ibiza. Instead he rocks up with a great looking session going through ’til dawn with the LA and south London maestro joined by Menno de Jong and Matt Hardwick in the main room and a very special Spectrum (remember this seminal club from the 80s?) Classics party in The Bar with Lisa Loud, Trevor Fung and Steve Lee. We call it Acieeed…. (0207 247 4121)

Sunday August 24th. Get Loaded In The Park, Clapham Common, London. All day long. What once started a few years back as a sort of ‘thrown together’ festy has now developed into an important date on the clubbing calender. Hey, there’s even an official after party! So, toilet roll in your back pocket and chewing gum in your gobs as you fall around one of sarf London’s lovliest parks in the esteemed company as Iggy & The Stooges, Supergrass, Gogo Bordello, The Hives, Kate Nash, Mylo, The Plumps, Krafty Kuts and Yoda (watch out for his new artist album out over the next few months). There’s loads more on the bill but I can’t be arsed continuing as the Women’s Beach Volleyball has just come on the box. (0844 847 2467)

Saturday August 23rd / Sunday August 24th. Creamfields, The Daresbury Estate, Chesire. (That’s oop north for all you kids logging on from South America). 10 Arenas including new BBC Introducing and Skins stages plus the likes of Fatboy Slim, Van Dyk, Sasha, Tiesto, Morillo and Underworld. Need we say more? Just don’t take your expensive watch.

Sunday August 24th. Frantic 11th Birthday, Koko, Camden, London. After 800 gigs at 30 venues with over 600,000 clubbers through the doors…Frantic bring us an all night party of hard house, trance and ‘nu breed DJs’ with 30 deck technicians including heavyweights (no offence Anne Savage), Andy Farley and Andy Whitby topping the bill.

Sunday August 24th. The Syndicate, Blackpool. Now we all know, Blackpool is a right shithole and apart from the wonderful superclub The Syndicate, the roller coasters on The Pleasure Beach and the donkey rides. Get set for Eric Prydz – this guy sells more downloads than any other DJ on the planet. His Future smash tune ‘PJANOO’ is definitely going to be one of this summers biggest tunes and will sound amaziiiiiiiiiing on this beefed up system.

Sunday August 24th. Hed Kandi, Sakura, Reading. Right then, if you want to join me in my home town (alright it’s just up the road but who the hell would want to live in Reading anyway?) raving it up, this is where I will be on Sunday. DJs John Jones and Colin Airey will be providing the glamorous, sexy sounds of Hed Kandi to Reading’s only worthwhile dance floor. Just try and don’t get stabbed. (01189 586 839)

Sunday August 24th / Monday August 25th. The Notting Hill Carnival, London. The people, the aroma of the mouth watering food, drinking cans of overpriced beer wandering the streets, flirting with passer by’s plus systems’ and stages such as Good Times, High On Hope, KCC, King Tubby, Rampage and Sancho Panza. And there’s some great alleyways to have a piss.

Friday August 22nd / Saturday August 23rd / Sunday August 24th / Monday August 25th, anywhere. Fuck the clubbing off and have a Bank Holiday weekend getting smashed at the pub, watching some great sport on the telly and giving your wife one. Job done.