England brings us the crazy cheese-rolling competition in which competitors race down a hill after a giant cheese, Wales has the annual bog-snorkelling competition, Finland is home to the world renowned ‘Wife Carrying’ contest in which the winner wins his wife’s weight in beer and Americans’ enjoy the World pillow fight contest. Around the world obscure festivals and competitions are held each year, bringing together people and communities in celebration of the daft and the bizarre. Here is a selection of our favourites.
The Las Vegas Ventriloquist Festival
Nevada, USA
There’s something not quite right about someone who when growing up decides he to become a ventriloquist. Sitting on a chair in front of hundreds of people, smiling like a cock with your hand up a doll’s arse. Nope, don’t get that one. I gave the owner of this event, Valentine Vox, a call to see what this weird profession is all about. I have no idea if it was him speaking or a doll sitting on his lap, but here’s how it went.”
“Hi Valentine, so what’s this all about?”
“It’s a very misunderstood art Dan. What most people know about ventriloquism they learnt at their seventh birthday party.”
“I learnt how to pin a tail on a donkey and not go into the bushes again with Mr James from next door at my birthday party dude, not stick four fingers up a wooden doll’s arseole. So what goes on at this weirdo fest Valentine? And is that really your real name?
“Sure it is. Well, throughout the weekend, there are live performances, workshops are held on topics ranging anywhere from the basics of comedy writing to making your own figure to using light and sound to improve an act. But the hub of the convention is the dealers room, where attendees can purchase joke books, scripts, figures and memorabilia.”
“Memorabilia – what like a doll’s shoe, you can find those on the side of the road and save yourself the $175 ticket price Vally.”
“Well, that’s as maybe. We also have a lot of people come who are not ventriloquists.”
“What like people in white coats?”
He put the phone down.
www.inquista.com
The World Kude Dung Spitting Championships
South Africa
The origins of kudu dung spitting,(a kudu is a type of African antelope by the way) are humiliating to humans on many levels. The kudu, a notoriously difficult animal to hunt, was infamous for leaving a trail of its shit while managing to elude hunters. In response, hunters began using the pellets in spitting competitions to “retaliate” at their prey. Now, once a year the strange people of SOuth Africa pile their gobs full of antelope crap and see who can spit it the furthest. I kid ye not. According to one top turd gobber, “even the most die-hard of competitors are unwilling to put a fresh pellet in their mouth, as this is just plain disgusting. The dung must be firm, not crumbly, otherwise the pellet could break up in the mouth, resulting in a bad aftertaste, and the ridicule of the other competitors.” Ridicule of other competitors? Oh so its okay to put a nice hard dump in your gob then, they won’t laugh at you then? What a country.
Australia – They are officially off their heads
Tunarama
Port Lincoln
In January each year, the community of Port Lincoln come alive in celebration of all things tuna, for the annual Tunarama Festival. The five-day festival is a family orientated affair with a number of competitions and events including the World Champion Tuna Toss Competition, which involves throwing an 8-10kg tuna fish as far as you can. The competition attracts people from all over the world. It just shows how much culture this country has, it takes a stinky old fish (which smells like my girlfriend’s knickers after a jog round the park) to get people to visit their country.
The Australian Air Guitar Championships
Canberra
The search to find the greatest guitarist in Australia who never played is on again. After months of qualifying regional rounds, the 2010 Aussie Air Guitar Championships final will be rocking the streets of Canberra this May. Prizes to be won include the ultimate prize of a trip to Europe to attend the annual Air Guitar World Championships. And yes, there is only 1 air ticket as the top prize. Why? Because there is no way these cunts have mates.
The Beer Can Regatta
Darwin.
Can you imagine the fucking size of these boats? They must be the size of The Titanic! Everyone entering has to build and sail boats made out of empty beer cans down on the beach. Strewth.
The Australian National Goanna Pulling Festival
Billed as one of ‘Australia’s most unique sporting events’, this annual competition held in the small town of Wooli on the north coast of NSW, involves a tug-of-war match between competitors facing each other on all fours with a leather strap tied between their heads. In England lads we call that bondage.
The Camel Cup
Alice Springs.
Live music, loads of beer and a competition where jockeys every July have to try and tame unpredictable and unruly camels charging each other at unruly speeds. Can you imagine how sore the jockey’s nut’s are?
The Pumpkin Rolling Festival
Goomeri
The Pumpkin Festival celebrates the humble pumpkin each year in May. The highlight of the festival is the Great Australian Pumpkin Roll, in which contestants roll pumpkins down Policeman’s ll, creating a right bloody giant mess. Think of all that lovely pumpkin soup gone to waste.
One Armed Prawn Peeling Festival
Gladstone
No comment.
The Australian Goat Race Festival
Lightning Ridge.
Choose a goat, then race it down a street in a buggy. An absolute genius thought of that.
The Shitbox Rally
A newcomer to the weird and wonderful competitions of Australia, this weird races style event sees competitors racing cars that cost less than $1000 over 3,400kms from Sydney to Alice Springs through the desert. It’s slogan is “challenging shithouse cars against the Australian outback”.
The Underwater Cycling Championships
Italy
“Although it’s cold and toilsome, we still love our work…and hope our
performance will bring more fun and fresh experiences to our visitors.”- some dickhead athlete
You can blame this one on Vittori Innocente who whilst diving, found an old bike on the bottom of the ocean and bewgan riding it, inadvertently creating a new sport. He broke the speed record for underwater cycling racing 3/4 mile in a swimming pool at an average speed of nearly 2 miles mph. He didn’t even break into a sweat.
The Bavarian Finger Wrestling Championships
Germany & Austria
“You have to have a fat finger, so that the strap has a good hold.” – veteran finger wrestler Anton Utzschneider
Finger wrestling, or Fingerhakeln, is said to have settled disputes in the Alps as early as the 17th century. Why not actual wrestling, you ask? Was it that no one wanted to soil their lederhosen? Was it because their Tyrolean hats (think Peter Pan) are easily flattened? Instead, at the Bavarian Finger Wrestling Championships in Germany and at Austria’s Alpine Championships, the sport’s only injuries include some skinned fingers or the occasional dislocation. Sitting on opposite ends of a table, competitors chalk up, hook middle fingers in a tough leather strap, and attempt to pull their opponent out of his seat and onto or over the table. Some wrestlers train by doing pull-ups with their middle fingers only. Some use only their digits to lift over 100 pounds. Others merely enjoy rounds of Weizenbock (7 to 10% alcohol content), and consequently make good use of the “catchers” who protect competitors should one be pulled hard enough to fly completely over the table.
Ready to Rumble?
You’ll need:
1 leather strap just under 4 inches long and just over 1/4 inch wide
1 table that’s about 31″ high x 29″ wide x 43″ long
2 stools that are 15 3/4″ tall
2 competitors ready to give each other the finger
The Outdoor Loo Racing Championships
Michigan, US
“Each Outhouse Must Have Material to Wipe With.” – an Outhouse Classic spokesman
In 1993, the people of Trenary, a town on Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, decided to call that a sport and began hosting its annual Outhouse Classic. Trenarians continue to host this event the last weekend in February, where teams of three – two pushers and one rider (that’s right, they ride there) – construct outhouses, equip them with a mounted roll of toilet paper, and then race the boxes down a 500-foot course in front of thousands of spectators.
Also watch out for:
Spain’s Tomato Battle Festival
Spain’s World’s Biggest Food Fighting Championships
The Welsh Bog Snorkling Championships
Germany’s Extreme Ironing Festival
The Chinese Chess Boxing Championship
The USA’s Cricket Ball Spitting Festival
The UK’s World Egg Throwing Championships
Scotland’s Haggis Hurling Festival
Japan’s Mud Throwing Festival
America’s Shovel Racing World Championships
Canada’s Rock, Paper, Scissor World Championships
Ireland’s Road Bowling Championsips
The UK’s Lawn Mower Racing Festival
The USA’s World Pillow Fighting Festival
the world has gone mad.
