Dan Prince Get’s On His Soapbox
The poor Man Utd fan on his way back from a match to Newport who opened the coach exit door thinking it was the toilet, fell out and got run over by a car. Not sure what I feel more sorry about, the fact he supported Man Utd or that he lived in Newport.
I mean, I have done some embarrassing things in my time. Jackie from Walsall being one. But imagine the humiliation at the silly sod who had to go to A&E in Tunbridge Wells and had to have firemen cut a ‘sex game’ ring from his cock. That’s what Viagra does to you.
The Italian geezer who got lost for three days in a bank’s basement in Udine. Words to describe this fellow’s plight are not needed…
Love the story about the teenage fisherman dragged through the sea for five miles by a 34 stone Marlin. Mate, why didn’t you just let go?
Now I know the world has gone crazy. The wedding registrar who got sacked in Tula, Russia for marrying an illegal immigrant…to a corpse.
Jonathan Ross. Funny but maybe going through a mid life crisis?
The son of Little Chef boss calling his dad “a knob” after watching him in an interview on Channel 4, priceless.
Is footballer Robinho the biggest arse hole in the world?
When I move into a new house and go through the cupboards I’m lucky if I find a lightbulb or a couple of coat hangers. So this woman who found a Faberge umbrella that fetched £17,500 in auction last week is just ridiculous.
Gordon Ramsey. Well fuck.
I hate parking tickets. It’s just throwing money down the drain. So pity the silly fucker who left his Fiat Uno in a car park two years ago, got deported back to Rumania, the cops have tracked him down and he’s now got a bill of £19, 622. Fiat Uno? Serves him right.
Wayne Rooney coming out saying the Harry Potter books are his favourite reads. I’d have the Mr Men books would still be a challenge for him.
Lily Allen, well us boys would wouldn’t we?
Andrew Francis. Get this bloke. He is facing jail after admitting making 500 bogus 999 calls and sniffing 16 cans of butane gas every day for 13 years. That’s over 75,000 cans up his snooter.
Hmmm. The guy who took an overdose of Valium, then decided to kill himself by throwing himself under a car, then stole the Sat Nav from the ambulance who came and saved him. And only got eight weeks jail. But when you discover he lives in Ipswich, you sort of realise why he decided to top himself.
Bet John Johnson, the owner of the Tokyo Project club in Oldham is feeling pretty chuffed after last weekend’s ‘£5.99 – All You Can Drink’ promotion. One poor sod kicked unconscious, girls vomiting everywhere, one of the bouncer’s taken to hospital after some pisshead bit a chunk out of his chin, a fight between 15 guys, two girls fighting in the loo’s and another girl collapsed on her way out of the club. Still, as long as his profits are up…
Another cracking tale of woe. The woman in Cheltenham who put an ad in her local paper pleading for the return of her bag containing £650 she lost who received a call from a woman who said “I found it and I’m having the time of my life.”
Paul Conroy Tells Us How It Is…
Whats with all the fucking hoo har about that cunt Gordon fucking Ramsey swearing on his fucking TV fucking show last fucking week for fucks sake? This follows complaints by viewers that he swore 240 times in one show. What do you expect when you watch a TV show with him on it… some bloke in a garden on his knees with a spray in his hand whispering nice things to plants? No, you’re going to get a stressed out chef who’s on the verge of a heart attack with Tourettes shouting at dumbos in a kitchen.
Paris Hilton is in the UK with a new shit reality TV show called ‘My New BFF’ – fuck knows what that means? Someone told me it meant Paris Hiltons British Best Friend Forever or that could be a miss-print, it might actually be called ‘My New BJ’ this time instead of an x boyfriend filming the antics she filmed herself sucking cock and there’s some good fanny shots in it this time?
Disabled people. Fuck off or use all the painted spaces given to you by the entrance in supermarket car parks you smug bastards, instead of leaving them empty for non badge holders to drive past while looking for a space that doesn’t exist. ps. Attaching a ping pong ball to the steering wheel and walking away from the car with a limp wont fool anyone either as I found out on Saturday.
It has just been revealed that chips are good for you containing more Vitiman C than oranges…I bet Jamie Oliver feels like a cunt.
Is it true that Patsy Kensit is to marry weird DJ Jeremy Healy in May? What the fuck happened there?! That’s a bit like Rachel Stephens getting engaged to the Elephant Man.
Has no one in Eastenders cottoned on that Mark Fowler who rode off on a motorbike and supposedly died of AIDS is full of fucking bullshit? He turns up on The Bill as PC Gabriel Kent and recently on Dancing On Ice as Todd Carty…I smell a fish…
Another TV ratings winner! Hole In The Wall with Dale Winton – team captains Heather Mills and Stephen Hawkin.
News readers STOP trying to be down with the kids by referring to snow as ‘the white stuff’ – you sound like out of touch uncool parents, because kids like everybody else calls it Snow… also my TV is HD not ‘Hi Def’…I bet rather than a good old ‘shit’ you have an ‘Armitage Shanks defication senario…
Why do racehorse owners give such shit names to their horses? I have just watched a race where Celestial Halo has just been pipped at the post by Palamer Foot Bang and Royal Pancreas Helmet. If I was a horse with a wank name like that I would shit on my owners car and refuse to come out of the paddock. No wonder they have so much difficulty trying to get a racehorse in one of those horse boxes. I know I wouldn’t go up the ramp if I was called Calamity Toe Fish.
Alan Carr is to replace Russel Brand on his weekly Radio 2. Alan is delighted and a spokesman for the BBC said it was the right choice as Alan would definatly not fuck Andrew Sach’s grand daughter.
A boy of eight has been suspended from primary school in Hemel Hempstead after being found with cannabis. He was caught in class showing it to a class mate and offered to roll him a spliff at playtime. Now firstly it sounds much more fun than conkers, secondly suspending him is only gonna give him a relaxing two weeks off smoking gear and selling it to his mates and thirdly can you blame him? Although If I lived in Hemel Hemstead I would be doing Crack every day not poxy smoke.
