Friday August 29th
The Sharkey Album Tour @ The Crobar, Swansea. 10.30pm-5am with tenners out of your wallets. This won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but we had to get Swansea in here someday and anyone who has had tunes spun on the air by John Peel deserves the props. Sharkey brings his hardcore bag of tricks to Welsh wonderland with Arkitech and MC Odyssey whilst there’s house and electro down the stairs. Quite what the partnership of DJs ‘Jewish vs Tattie’ are going to come up with is anyone’s guess – but I’m already on the phone to Great Western to check it out. Sounds hilarious.

Friday August 29th
Goodgreef Summer Tour 2008 @ The Savoy Theatre, Cork. Another one for the bonker-heads. The North West’s finest slamming into Ireland for one of those nights that will leave you waking up in a ditch somewhere strange with a cow sitting on your head. This crew know their stuff. With Eddie Halliwell and the Trophy Twins at the helm, new superstar in hard dance Alex Kidd mushing it up plus people like Adam Sheridan, Dark By Design and fast rising girly twirler Tylor-Leigh on board, Goodgreef are in it to win it. Ireland, get your safety helmets on people…

Friday August 29th
Pams House On Tour @ Rumours, Clacton. 10pm-3am, five quid will see you in. The thing about Update is we aren’t just gonna talk about big superstar DJs DJing at huge venues. That’s not what clubland is about. It’s about the smaller clubs who have done well over the years from humble beginnings. Pams House was some tosh night in Newmarket (of all places) – this is the town where little jockeys got off their sky rockets behind closed doors. But they’ve stuck to their guns and are still prancing about clubland and this weekend take to Clacton for a silly one. The last time I was in Clacton I thanked the Ford Lord for his suspension in my Escort. Phew. What a big bird. Friday night moves your feet courtesy of the lovely Anne Savage trying to spin the tunes whilst some mad stilt walkers and club freaks juggle her brain.

Friday August 29th
Kidology @ The Honey Club, Brighton. Beautiful (and I mean fucking beautiful) venue cooked up into a storm by the fabulous Mark Wilkinson. Kids – get your trainers on, forget pulling for a night and get down the front. It doesn’t get any better than this…I should know as I’ve danced round his living room enjoying his 4/4 gems…

Friday August 29th
Wobble’s 15th Birthday @ The Beach, Digbeth, Birmingham. 8pm-3am and then all back to Phil’s house for a real wobbler. I’ll tell you a story. Phil Gifford began his life as a hairdresser, then started one of our much loved-all time club nights’ Wobble before flitting and flotting between DJ management and a cheeky trip back into snipping locks. Thank fuck he’s back. This party will be monstrous. Phil and Si Long, Andy Weatherall, Buckley and a load more class acts. Get the Hyatt booked up quick ‘cos this will boing boing off the Rickter Scale munch heads…

Friday August 29th
The Loft, Abbey Road, Peterborough. 11pm-3am, fives and sixes will see the mixes. Swansea, Cork, Clacton and now sodding Peterborough gets a rave up on our hallowed pages thanks 100% to Nicky Blackmarket escorting his selection of Drum & Bass splendour to a town a little too close to a village for Pilsgate for my liking. Enjoy…

Saturday August 30th
Classique @ Planet Ice, Ryde, Isle of Wight. 9pm-6am. And then the fucking Isle of Wight pops it’s head up. Am I living in the wrong village as places you wouldn’t normally usually shake a stick at are suddenly producing some good DJ to lose your boots at? Fuck me. This will be probably the best party of the summer for the Isle Of Shite with Judge Jules, Lisa Lashes and Matt Hardwick. Show ’em what it’s about you DJ legends…

Saturday August 30th
Global Underground @ The Ministry of Sound, Gaunt Street, in some rather dodgy area of south London. 11pm-7am, £20 in (a total rip off in my eyes but it probably is down to Sasha’s first class flight arrangements from America). Yup Sasha in da house doing his quirky house and techno celebrating the launch of his new G.U album alongside Jim Rivers, Anil Chawda, Dark Globe, Warren Mooney, Sarah Rodin and Andy Newland. No, I haven’t heard of any of them either…

Saturday August 30th
Avaland presents…1735 Vine Street, Hollywood, USA.10pm-7am,  $15 dollars will see you off your mollers. Avaland is a great club. For somewhere with so much shit stuck up their backside, it’s great for a club to bring us a true clubbing community. Step into the fold Mr Felix Da Housecat. Last time I saw you you were being chased around an Ibizan hotel room by some crazy girl with a knife. Your records, however, remain, one of the main reasons we step onto the dancefloor and smile…

Saturday August 30th / Sunday August 31st
The Jersey Live Festival @ The Royal Jersey Show Grounds. The last time I ventured into Channel Islands’ grounds I was hit by two things; One, an amazing bonk thanks to a leading female DJ on the circuit and two, why has everyone who lives in Jersey look like they are inbred? Still, this looks a ravishing couple of days amidst Benny from Crossroads territory in the esteemed company of The Prodigy, The Zutons, We Are Scientists, the Scratch Perverts, Krafty Kuts, Atomic Hooligan, The Go! Team, David Holmes, Kissy Sell Out and much much more. Just don’t give anyone a lift on a country lane…