Dan Prince let’s rip…
The teenager who sneaked into his neighbours house and set fire to her budgie – how funny is that? • Nearly as funny as the loser who lit a cigarette in his ‘environmentally friendly gas powered car’ and blew it up – with him inside it. • Being stuck behind a learner driver down a country lane – what a pain in the arse. • Having to take a shit in the woods whilst out walking your dogs when caught short. • The ‘Bestival Reunion Tour’ that kicked off in Liverpool last week – oh this is going to be a messy one. • The stamp dating back to 1868 that sold this week for over one million Dollars in the States. Two things here, people who collect stamps need to get out more and Americans, you are cunts. • Hed Kandi’s ‘Grand Circus’ New Year’s Eve party at IndiGo 2 – looks great. • The plonker over in Michigan, USA who bowled his first ever ‘perfect’ game of ten pin bowling – and was so excited had a heart attack and died on the alley in front of everyone. Brilliant. • Robert Smith from The Cure accepting his NME Award and coming out with the line “the job I do often brings you feelings of omnipotence, hand in hand with taking vast amounts of drugs”. At last, an honest musician! • Was in Washington DC a couple of weeks ago (for some fucking unknown reason), and stumbled into DJ Adrian Loving’s and designers’ Eric Brewer & Ayo Okunseinde Dissident Display Gallery – their 25th anniversary celebration of seminal hip hop movie ‘Wild Style’ was simply ace. But there was no fucking need at all for me and my mate to try and sip our way through the 80 Belgian beers at the H Street bar/restaurant – my shit looked like egg yolk the next day. • The gran who was on her way to the bingo and sitting on the top deck of a bus in Middlesbrough, when a cricket ball smashed through the window and hit her right in the face. I loved that. • Red Bull Cola. Hmmm, let’s think about this. As an alternative, why not pour Suplhuric Acid down your throat – not much difference really is there? • The jobseeker who was asked in a government-backed training interview whether he “found it difficult to perform adequately when involved in sex” – Prime Minister Gordon Brown, if everyone in Britain had to answer that question before getting a job in Britain, we would have about six people working. • 19 year old George Garratt who has officially changed his name to ‘Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined’ – your mother must be so so proud. • The woman who after waiting four months for her bed to be delivered from MFI who finally snapped and set up camp in it’s Cambridge shop refusing to move until her bed got delivered, well it saves on the rent. • Club kids who head out to Tenerife to work in clubs and bars for the summer – I would rather clean the floors of Strangeways with a toothbrush and then clean my teeth with it… what a shit hole. • Actress Mila Kunis…where do I sign to jump all over her? Wowthefuckee! • The annual FilmOn.com poll asking thousands of people who they think is Britain’s scariest celeb. • How Jodie Marsh came third to Amy Winehouse I will never know – faced with the option of shagging a goat or munching on Marsh, it would be the one with the hairy chin all the way – make your own mind up on which one I’m talking about. • Not as weird however as this woman who has started her own Facebook site promoting a ‘National Daily Mail Newspaper Burning Day’ with 31,000 members already joined up – okay here is a little idea for you, GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU SAD BITCH. • Opera star Katherine Jenkins coming clean admitting she’s snorted coke, popped E and munched on Space Cakes – well you’d have to if you’re going to sing that boring pile of shit. • The rambler who fell off a cliff in Devon and lived, what a shame, ramblers are to the countryside as Graham Gold is to the world of DJing. Arseoles. • After my comments last week questioning how people decide to become wig makers, this week… clowns. What spooky looking fuckers. • Then again, not as strange as the guy in Liverpool who has just been jailed for 15 months after being caught using a picture of Adolf Hitler in his bus pass. • The people who queued for hours at the auditions to find the loudest screamers to “liven things up” at the MTV Awards in Liverpool this week – gosh, I remember the days when the bands were meant to do that! • Fireworks – just shit. • Oxford Council for banning the word Christmas from this year’s festive celebrations to make them more ‘inclusive’ – and renaming their events ‘The Winter Light Festival’. I bet you lot are a joy to be with on December 25th. • Snowbombing announcing it’s date for next year up the Alps in Mayrhofen, Austria – March 29th – April 4th with Fatboy Slim headlining.
(www.snowbombing.com). • And from the coolest winter festival on the circuit, I bring you the daftest festival I have ever fucking heard about; The British Sprout Festival in Worcester on November 13th – complete with a garden made entirely of sprouts, demonstrations of 101 ways to cook sprouts, sprout marbles and sprout dancing. I’m sorry, but can anyone please explain how people have this much time on their hands? I would rather fuck Jodie Marsh up the arse.
Paul Conroy tells us how it is…
I’m thinking of applying for X Factor next year, do you think I should go for the dead parent story or should I just rock up in a wheelchair? • I can’t believe it’s not butter…’cos it’s not a fucking Twix. • Taxi drivers – I don’t give a shit who you had in the back last week, who do you think you are? Will Young. • Sad to read in the news recently about the 16 year old boy who died at a party after downing 6 pints of Lager, 9 Tequilas, 7 Vodka & Cokes and half a bottle of Jack Daniels – what a fucking lightweight. • My brother says hello, thank fuck the speech therapy is working. • Girls – don’t waste energy faking orgasms, most men couldn’t give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you’ve been banged. • My mate Adam has just been arrested after splitting up with his deaf girlfriend, she reckons he’s got a small cock and is shit in bed – so after he dumped her, he broke all her fingers so she couldn’t tell anybody. • Cage Fighters – take the fucking hamster out before you even think about it… • The new James Bond movie ‘Quantum of Shoelace’ – it’s another action packed movie where this time 007 drives around in a dusty Aston Martin covered in blood with his cock out looking for a shag piece and ends up with a cut head licking some sluts back… it’s a must for all the family. • Q: How many DJ’s does it take to change a light-bulb? – A: Two. One to change it and the other to harp on about how much better the original was. • Jazz on the telly last night, is it me or does the sound of the trombone sound like someone farting into a watering can? • Just had a call from Jonathan Ross. I didn’t pick up, but he’s left 3 messages on my ansaphone. If you would like to hear these messages you horny devil, call 0898 696969 – calls cost £5 a min at your standard network rate, calls from other networks may vary. • People think Stephen Hawking is a genius. But if you watch when someone asks him a question and he starts typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn’t just looking up the answer on the Internet? • I’m writing this in a cafe in Bristol and sitting opposite me is a proper chavvy ugly looking girl with two babies in a push chair which I can only guess are twins because I can’t imagine anyone has fucked this minger twice. • Pensioners – Easter is not going to come early next year so that will save you one shit conversation. • The youth of today. I blame brown bread, Rod Hull dying, Lil Wayne, the parents, that bloke who reads the news, Satanic Sluts, bagpipes, Zero Tolerance, David Ike, hi-rise flats, Humpty Dumpty, Erica Badu and shit gear. • Just reading about a three year old girl who had her two front teeth knocked out and jaw broken by a teenage cyclist who crashed into her on a pavement in London this week. OK, I know she got in the way, but there was no need to give her a kicking for her silly mistake. • Kerry Katona, do us all a favour and fuck off to Iceland. • A bit of advice for tramps sleeping outside department stores this winter – don’t allow the police to move you on. Just tell them you are queuing early for the sales. • Wasn’t X-Factor a pile of bollocks on Saturday, it was meant to be ‘Disco Week’ but Disco it wasn’t. Mind you, I couldn’t hear a fucking thing because the Halloween Trick or Treaters were out and my girlfriend wouldn’t stop barking every time the doorbell rang. • So fireworks have come and gone. I hope you remembered to follow the instructions on the box and keep them at arms length – I mean, look what happened to Seal….
